The Fattest Girl in the Bar

-This is dedicated to that one fat girl who took over the dance floor at the Mellow Mushroom. She did know how to work all she had…

-Suppose you’re in a bar. You’re there with some buddies to chill, shoot the breeze, and people watch. After the pool table fight calms down and you’re on your fourth Michelob, you start checking out the ladies. There’s that super cute bartender with the perky tits (you’re 99% sure she’s using a push-up bra, but whatever), the groupie college girls, the groupies, the chicks who look like they work at Hooter’s, and the various girlfriends of all stripes. And then, of course, there’s the big girls.

Hopefully, there ain’t too many of ’em, because you just had a breakup, and are looking to rebound. Hard. You just want a decent looking chick who isn’t too hard to take home (NOTE: This is the year 2004, as in 2016 pulling this off isn’t nearly as easy…). Being that you’re not Bill Cosby, you’ve got to stay above board. Those 7 Michelobs are helping your thought process, of course. Your buddies are egging you on, and your liquid courage is chiming in too. You’re looking super hard at this one chick who you swear looks like Tessa Thompson, although the beer goggles are certainly helping that (Damn Michelobs…).

Not quite a 10, doesn’t matter…

And then, for some God-forsaken reason, you notice something…someone. The biggest, most obnoxious girl in the joint. She’s making a scene; trying to start a fight with one of the bartenders over nothing. She’s strutting around, taking her clothes off, screaming at no one and everyone. By now she has everyone’s eyes on her; the bouncers are working on hauling her considerable sized keister out the door. Of course, there’s no way in hell she’s complying; for her this is funny…except, as you find out later, it’s not.

But enough about the fat broad, back to Miss Tessa. You start working your moves on her; you find out she’s single. You’re still sober enough, after 2 more Michelobs, to hold a decent conversation. She says she likes you. You find out she’s working on a Master’s degree and can probably help you out with some job leads. Michelobs for the win, baby.

A smooth night goes by. You got her number, and even though you didn’t quite get her back to your place, you do have a shot, so you’re feeling pretty good. Then you read the local paper (Like I said, it’s 2004). You notice that the fat girl you saw the other night is in there. She’s in the hospital after being in an accident. Apparently, she had overdosed on meth and was out of her mind for half the night. Explains the crazy, you think to yourself.

That fat broad is the average American worker.

“I have  a positive body image, so you should find me attractive, you shallow pig you!”

We may have to stretch the metaphor, but the point is this: To the average corporation, workers are like whores to a pimp. The idea is to find the cheapest ones who still look decent, and work the hell out of ’em. Once they wash out, find more. Bullshit ’em enough to keep ’em running, but pay ’em as little as possible. If the get belligerent, threaten their livelihood; most of ’em are too broke to pay their own way without their pimp (living paycheck to paycheck), and too weak to get their money by themselves (lack of entrepreneurship). The cheaper you can find them, the better. They need their pimp, but he don’t need them; he’s too big to fail.

What with all of our international trade agreements, global economy, and multinational corporations exerting outsized influence, us legal American workers are a lot like old, fat hookers with an attitude. We’re extremely overregulated; if a corporation hires one of us, we damn sure better be worth the money, especially if we’re “educated” (read, have letters by our names), because they have to pay so much in taxes and mandatory programs like Obamacare. Plus, we’re expensive to fire.

Thing is, for corporations, it’s cheaper to hire labor from other, less regulated countries, where their currency is less valuable than the dollar. That way, they can pay them $20,000 per year instead of paying an American $50,000 per year for the same position. Plus, technology makes it ever cheaper to build machines than to hire more regular workers. This is causing there to be a lot more fat whores out of work, and a lot more sadistic pimps who won’t hire many of them for the good corners; the crappy, dangerous corners? Sure (Low paying, service-sector jobs)! The good corners (“Career” jobs, with potential for advancement and pay of over the $30k/year benchmark)? Shove off, fat bitches…we got younger, skinnier, bigger-titted tricks now (machines, guest workers, and illegal immigrant workers). But maybe, just maybe, we use you a few nights here and there (temp workers). Any way it goes, you can go get all the boob and butt injections you want (Bachelors’, Master’s, and Ph. D.’s), and we still ain’t payin’ you shit.

Besides, you gotta pay your other pimp (the government) out of what we give you.

Street workers aside, America is in a serious predicament. We have way too many people unemployed who should be working. We have wages way too low. Basically zero politicians seem to care about the state of the average American worker. Males are unemployed at a historically low rate, and no one seems to be asking these questions: What do we do when too many jobs are either outsourced or automated? How will people be able to afford to live? How will we keep all of those unemployed people busy? What happens to all the old, fat hookers?

If the politicians (besides Trump) have anything to say about it, it seems to amount to: Fuck you, we’re paid by Big Business; find your own way. The economists claim that open trade is great, and that enough jobs are being created by technology to offset those being destroyed by its innovation. They never do seem to notice that those new jobs tend to be lower-paying, or that for some people, retraining for the new economy is prohibitively expensive. Never mind all that, it’ll all work out…somehow…except no one knows how.

Here’s my layman’s attempt at a solution: When you’re a fat whore (American worker), taxed by one pimp (the government’s excessive regulation and taxation), chained to another (underpaying, cutthroat corporate America), undercut by younger talent (Guest workers and illegals), and undercut by porn (labor saving tech), you gotta get some backbone and lose some weight.

Understand that Corporate America won’t save you; your precious good job will be ever more difficult to hold on to, and easier to lose. Your competition will be, effectively, out of your league; they can work for far cheaper than your fat ass can, as in their country, it’s cheaper to operate. Plus, they don’t have as much red tape to abide by as you do. Those corporations will offshore as much as possible to save a buck; your ass be damned. So quit being whipped by that veneer of success and thinking you’re special; to them, you’re just another bitch on the street, and they’ll replace you in a heartbeat if they can get better meat sacks.

Understand, also, just how much government size and regulation is making you uncompetitive. Our government is horrible at accounting; under Obama  it has royally screwed us, in terms of debt, almost more than under all previous presidents combined, with Bush coming in a (relatively, but not absolutely) close second. Seriously, the USA is in for a SEVERE ass-whupping for taking on these insane amounts of debt…but I digress. That money has to be paid somehow (and you can’t just print money forever, even if your name IS Federal Reserve), so, in the future, taxes, regulation, and bullshit fees and laws will just keep on coming, regardless of if we have a dumbass elephant or a jackass over us.

As a friend of mine says, a century ago, most Americans were self-employed (usually on a farm somewhere). Now, most work for someone else. Well, since for more and more working Americans, “someone else” is an asshole who prefers foreign talent (legal and illegal) and automation to natives, maybe it’s time we decided to quit “someone else” and move back towards self-employment, serving each other and being paid by each other, and establishing local economies once again. If they aren’t going to look out for us, we damn sure need to; automation or no automation, guest workers or no guest workers, the fact remains that Americans gotta eat too.

Because one thing’s for sure: if this shit keeps up like it’s been going, there are going to be a LOT of restless, broke, unemployed Americans, and we don’t have nearly enough welfare money for that (they’ll say we do, but by now it should be obvious just how many politicians are lying assholes). Besides, if you want to see what happens when too many folks can’t get a decent job, look no further than Baltimore, or Flint, or Chicago, or Milwaukee, or Detroit…or Greece. I don’t know about you, but that ain’t the America I want to live in.maxresdefault



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